i already hear my dad disowning me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
