Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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