3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
