That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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