i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
