onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
