why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
