I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
