Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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