FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
