I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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