i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Randomize
