i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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