I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
