God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
