I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
