New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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