Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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