I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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