It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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