I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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