That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
