Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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