You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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