I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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