easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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