So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
