my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
