i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
