remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
