I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
