a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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