Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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