i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
