fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
