Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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