i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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