I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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