Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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