dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
