Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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