Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
