"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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