Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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