by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
