Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
