I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
