im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
