She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
