chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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